"deeply i go down into myself. my god is dark and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence." -rainer maria rilke


and so...we start over.

being cheated on is one of the most humiliating and infuriating things a person can experience.  it's so painful to be betrayed after laying oneself bare before what you believed was true love...only to find it was a giant lie.

i had given my heart and soul over to the devil.  love.  devotion.  whole-hearted and pure.

only to discover his dirty laundry after a year and a half long love affair.

it kills me to know i've been played for a fool.  it's hard for me not to feel like an idiot.

the fact of the matter is, however...that's he's the fool.  not me.

it's so sad to know that we called each other soulmates.

perhaps we were.

i have yet to discover the precious nugget of golden knowledge at the center of all this shit.  it's in there...just as it has been in every other painful end of a relationship that i've been through.

one thing i know for sure that i am walking away with is this:  awareness of when a significant other is trying to gaslight me.  even if that's all i've learned...that's still so important.

i suppose it's going to a while before i'm ready to have sex again.  i feel filthy.  a thorough STD screening is going to be necessary.

what a fucking drag.

"in the slaughterhouse of love, they kill only the best, none of the weak or deformed. don't run away from this dying. whoever's not killed for love is dead meat." - rumi