fear of rejection.

sometimes when you're speaking to me, i can't help but watch your lips move and think about kissing you.  i wish i knew how to tell you about these feelings i'm developing.  it's so hard to speak it out.  funny how i can look in your eyes and perceive the truth between our souls, and yet neither of us can say the words to bring it out into tangible form.  not entirely.

the ritual, the spirit practice, the synchronicity, all of it is out on the table... but this matter of the heart remains unspoken.  a silent undercurrent moving beneath the veil between us.

my paranoia remains a plague.

i'm afraid of being vulnerable.  yeah, who isn't...i know.  but that fear takes shape as a giant lump in my throat that gags me and makes me unable to say what it is that i feel.

i suppose, in a sense, that i get off on feeling that gagging sensation.  maybe that's why i don't swallow my pride or fear or whatever it is, and tell you everything.  maybe i like being tormented this way....

I am your love,
I am the heat of your love,
Yet lonely...
I am your woman,
You, you are my soul
That I depend on...
Your voice sounded as sudden thunder of love
My soul breathed as an elating lightning of spring...
I breathed your breath deep down my chest
And by your fire I became the poet of the flames...

-Komitas