"deeply i go down into myself. my god is dark and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence." -rainer maria rilke


it's time.

i've finally been able to achieve orgasms for the first time since splitting up with the devil.  i've had two.  the first, in the very early hours of morning...when the light was shining through my bedroom window the way it was that first time he and i woke up in my bed together.  it inspired a hate fuck fantasy.

honestly, i almost want to fuck him again just to make it real.  i'd like to fuck him till he cries and then never speak to him again.  i've never uttered the words "i fucking hate you" while cumming, but i have now.  and for some reason, it was hot.

this morning, it was my first time fantasizing about fucking someone new.  it's still going to be a long time before i'm ready to sleep with someone...but i'm ready to entertain myself now.

i imagined us fucking in a tent.  in the woods.  gently and gradually growing rough.  and the waves of orgasms hit me hard.

this is good.

i'm ready to move on now.

give me a man who can climb trees with me and cook dinner over an open fire while we have deep conversations about pranayama and meditating and personal growth.

give me a man to grow with.

i really never want to eat again.

"If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die."


conversations in dreams

a week and a half has passed since the devil and i called it quits. i am dreaming about him every night. heavily. i can't escape him. we find each other, and a conversation begins. the conversation is pleasant. we're making amends. i'm forgiving him. he's understanding me. he's hearing me. we're touching. and everything is calm.

last night we agreed to just see each other sometimes, and not say anything. just sometimes, come back together and lay side by side in silence.

i cry when i think to myself how sad it is that his soul is so different from how he acts. a pang stabs at my heart when i quietly wonder why.

but i know the reason.

it's the drugs.

nothing causes a dichotomy between a man and his soul quite like opiates.


and so...we start over.

being cheated on is one of the most humiliating and infuriating things a person can experience.  it's so painful to be betrayed after laying oneself bare before what you believed was true love...only to find it was a giant lie.

i had given my heart and soul over to the devil.  love.  devotion.  whole-hearted and pure.

only to discover his dirty laundry after a year and a half long love affair.

it kills me to know i've been played for a fool.  it's hard for me not to feel like an idiot.

the fact of the matter is, however...that's he's the fool.  not me.

it's so sad to know that we called each other soulmates.

perhaps we were.

i have yet to discover the precious nugget of golden knowledge at the center of all this shit.  it's in there...just as it has been in every other painful end of a relationship that i've been through.

one thing i know for sure that i am walking away with is this:  awareness of when a significant other is trying to gaslight me.  even if that's all i've learned...that's still so important.

i suppose it's going to a while before i'm ready to have sex again.  i feel filthy.  a thorough STD screening is going to be necessary.

what a fucking drag.


he's on a plane ride to the other side of the pond. i'm a trainwreck inside.

i'm still here.

for the time being, i've given up on moving this blog.  maybe someday when i have more readers, i'll put up a real big stink about the glitches i've been dealing with here...and google will fix the problems.

meanwhile, i hate it that i haven't been writing.  it's sort of a shame. 

i suppose i've been drawn back because he's gone to europe again.  and i quit writing when he got back from his last tour over yonder.  i can't bring myself to go into detail about why, but...well.  let me share a dream i had with you.

i am dreaming, and i am following him down a trail in the woods.  it's hard to keep my footing as i struggle to keep up with him.  as we descend a hill, he disappears...and i fall into an enormous mud puddle.  i am drowning in it.  grasping hands search for something solid to hold onto.  i touch fur.  the body of a dead animal.  i lift it to the surface of the puddle, and see that it is a dead beaver.

dead beaver.  if that's not symbolic of what i experienced the last time he hopped the pond, i dunno what is.

then i found myself in an empty movie theater, a home movie is playing in reverse on the screen.  he is walking with a girl with long brown hair.  backwards.  out of sight.  now i am being pushed up a flight of stairs, into an attic.  he is pushing her away as he pushes me into an empty room, locking the door.  locking me in.  and her out, it would seem.

the next day i awoke to an email from him...dismissing me.  the girl with the long brown hair is real.  she is "someone important" from his past.  
i don't remember how long i walked after i learned this.  but i walked and walked.  for days i walked.  shortly prior to receiving this news, i had lost my job.  i had nothing to do but to walk.  i walked all over south st. louis.  sometimes i cried.  sometimes i screamed.  i wrote a short film based on my dream, but have yet to make it.

a lot has happened since then.  i couldn't let him go, and now we're a couple again.  the girl with the long brown hair is gone.  i've seen him three times since his last tour overseas.  

i wish i could write enthusiastically about all the freaky sex we've had.  but i can't.  

because he's over there again and i can't stop pacing inside...worrying over whether or not this is going to be an encore performance.

maybe it's the benedryl and red wine, but all i want to do is lay down in a quiet forest on a bed of ferns and sleep until this anxiety subsides.


i may be moving.

i've been noticing some rather aggravating issues with blogspot that have made me a little less interested in continuing to post here.  i believe i will be moving to a different publisher in the near future.  the jury is still out on which i will be using.  possibly tumblr or wordpress.  i've yet to mess around with either of them...so my mind is not made up.  but be advised that i will soon be relocating, and hopefully will be able to interact with my readers a bit more once i settle down elsewhere.  for some reason, i am unable to respond to replies here.  i find it frustrating enough to move.

i'll keep you all appraised.

meanwhile, the most amazing thing happened.

the devil is now my boyfriend.  as in, really my boyfriend.  not just sort of my boyfriend.

i'm so happy that i kinda cry to think of it.

destiny really can be manifested.


sometimes i get sidetracked.

i have a lot of catching up to do here.  there are couplings i need to write about.  i got sidetracked for a bit.  lost my job.  turned thirty.  had a drastic change in the dynamic of my relationship with the devil.  that last bit threw me for a fucking loop.  i've had a real hard time finding my footing after that experience, but i'm finally getting my head together.

i'll be back in the coming week to tell you some dirty stories.

in the meantime, here's this.
"in the slaughterhouse of love, they kill only the best, none of the weak or deformed. don't run away from this dying. whoever's not killed for love is dead meat." - rumi