"deeply i go down into myself. my god is dark and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence." -rainer maria rilke


pt. 1

it's impossible for me to recount in precise detail the experience i had last weekend.  it took six months for he and i to meet up.  i already knew that no one has ever turned me on so much in my life.  i already knew how perfect that cock was going to feel....god.

i was a nervous wreck the night before i left to meet him in kansas city.  pacing around my apartment, my heart racing, trying to calm down and failing, failing, failing...it was all hitting me right then that this was going to be my most intense sexual encounter to date.  i've never wanted anyone so badly...in such a primal, carnal, animalistic sense.  i wanted to inhale him.  i wanted him to rip me open.

i was so anxious that i ended up leaving several hours late the next day.  i arrived in KC after the show had already started.  checked into my hotel.  went to my room.  put on my deceivingly scandalous vintage dress with the slit up the side that's just higher than the bottom of my asscheeks.

thigh high socks.  check.  white peep-toe high heels.  check.

he was waiting for me outside the venue as i walked up with my friends.  i had been laughing about something that escapes me now, and heard him say "hi..."

i looked up and said, "oh hey..."

and tripped.  immediately after laying eyes on him.

i knew he was hot.  i knew this.  i had been receiving photographic evidence of same via text message for half a year.

but here he was.  in the flesh. 




he's the most gorgeous human being i have ever laid eyes on.

i walked to him.  i hugged him.  we were laughing.  and then he kissed me.  finally.  and this was no pussy-footin'.  his mouth engulfed mine...devouring mine.  there was a hunger in that kiss that drove me completely wild.  it was so intense.  i was on fire.  my pussy started throbbing.

holy fuck...this is really happening.  

we went inside and went to the bar...ordered our whiskeys...and he suggested we sneak past the stage and up to the band room.  within fifteen minutes of my arrival, i was crawling all over him on the couch, his fingers plunged into me, my hand on his cock through his black corduroy pants.  within fifteen minutes of my arrival, i was squirting on his leg,  my dress, and struggling to stay lucid. 

don't go over the edge yet...stay with it.

by the time we got back to the hotel, i had completely lost my shit.  sitting on the bed in my red velour romper...i ceased to have any type of grip on anything other than his fuck...his mouth...his hands...hair...cock...i lost myself in him entirely.  i know i was speaking to him, but i have no idea what was coming out of my mouth.  all i know is i was answering questions, and probably cursing.  whatever it was, it was obscene.  and hot.

his mouth was all over me.  my ass, my pussy, my tits, my mouth...his cock was shoved down my throat and i was laying on my back on the bed...then he was pounding away at my dripping wet cunt...my foot was in his mouth...jesus god fuck...his finger (fingers?) up my ass while he was fucking me...jesusgodFUCK!...

i was being eaten alive by his fuck.  i was in a trance.  this was satan fucking mary magdalene.  he later said, the werewolf vs. the vampire woman.  which is so like him to say...so cute.  so fucking cute.  honestly, i'm sort of pleased with myself that he felt that way...

at some point, i fell asleep next to him.  i awoke the next morning hungry for more.  i got up to piss, and came back...inspired to worship that darkly divine fuck of his...but he received a call that he had to take... "gotta get to work!"

god damnit....

(to be continued) 



...to share a kiss the devil has known...

okay.  done designing this thing, for the most part.  working on a new post right now, but it's taking a lot of time to write.  guess i have a lot to say about a recent experience...

in the meantime, here's this fucking song that played in my car randomly(?) the other day...kinda hit close to home.


plugged in.

he left mid-morning on valentine's day, after two intense nights of copulating, conversing...and god damnit... cuddling. 

half a year i waited for this.  half a year of frustration.  of not knowing if whatever the fuck it was that was going on would ever lead to the consummation that cock and my pussy.

i hadn't realized that "whatever the fuck it was that was going on" was going to end up the way it has.  with his phone charger still plugged into the wall in my kitchen.

he called me in the afternoon the day he left asking if he had left it.  i had been in bed all day.  crying.  rubbing off.  sleeping.  dreaming.  he asked if it was there and i deleriously said i didn't know.  silence.  "can you get up and check for me?"

god his voice is sexy...

"uh huh.  hang on....yeah, it's here...it's plugged into the kitchen wall."


this morning, i woke up for work and came walking out of my room and saw the charger plugged into the wall still.  it's been there since sunday night.  i stood there staring at it.  i don't know how long i was staring.  my heart started racing.  i shook it off and turned right, into the bathroom.  into the routine.  shower.  get dressed.  gotta be out the door by 7:40 a.m. at the latest.  singing along to tapes in the car.  get to work on time.

but as i was leaving...the charger caught my eye again as i was passing it.  i stopped.  staring at it again.  this time i reached out and touched it for a moment.  still staring.  his phone was here.   

he was here.

he was here and now he's gone and his charger is still plugged into my wall. 

my apartment is haunted by the coupling we had.  i can still smell him in my bed.  and that charger is a symbol of what i experienced.  of what i've experienced all along.  the charger goes to the phone.  the phone that he uses to stay connected to me, somehow.  i can't seem to bring myself to remove it.

i don't know if or when i ever will.
Extinguish my eyes, I'll go on seeing you.
Seal my ears, I'll go on hearing you.
And without feet I can make my way to you,
without a mouth I can swear your name.

Break off my arms, I'll take hold of you
with my heart as with a hand.
Stop my heart, and my brain will start to beat.
And if you consume my brain with fire,
I'll feel you burn in every drop of my blood.



"Though I visit him
              In my dreams,
            The sum of all those meetings
            Is less than a single waking glimpse."
-Ono no Kamachi
"in the slaughterhouse of love, they kill only the best, none of the weak or deformed. don't run away from this dying. whoever's not killed for love is dead meat." - rumi