"deeply i go down into myself. my god is dark and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence." -rainer maria rilke


fear of rejection.

sometimes when you're speaking to me, i can't help but watch your lips move and think about kissing you.  i wish i knew how to tell you about these feelings i'm developing.  it's so hard to speak it out.  funny how i can look in your eyes and perceive the truth between our souls, and yet neither of us can say the words to bring it out into tangible form.  not entirely.

the ritual, the spirit practice, the synchronicity, all of it is out on the table... but this matter of the heart remains unspoken.  a silent undercurrent moving beneath the veil between us.

my paranoia remains a plague.

i'm afraid of being vulnerable.  yeah, who isn't...i know.  but that fear takes shape as a giant lump in my throat that gags me and makes me unable to say what it is that i feel.

i suppose, in a sense, that i get off on feeling that gagging sensation.  maybe that's why i don't swallow my pride or fear or whatever it is, and tell you everything.  maybe i like being tormented this way....

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"in the slaughterhouse of love, they kill only the best, none of the weak or deformed. don't run away from this dying. whoever's not killed for love is dead meat." - rumi