well... i'll tell ya.

so, yesterday i had a biopsy of my cervix.  this isn't the first time i've had this happen.  i'm guessing it's probably not the last, either.

but it's definitely the first time i've had one since i had the (for lack of a better term) sexual reawakening that i have been experiencing over the course of the past year.

and, well...i'll tell ya.  it's got me real messed up.

i only recently (finally) came to a place in my life where i feel like my pussy is beautiful.  and i love it.  like...it is a huge part of my identity.  it has experienced traumas in the past.  it has been abused at the hand of another.  it has healed.  it has been abused by the hand of still another.  and healed again.  there have been years of my life where i did not identify with my pussy.  i barely identified with my femininity at all.  sex was mechanical.  i was always detached.  i did it because it felt like some sort of obligation.  and i always checked out.

something changed after i met my ex-husband, even more changed when i started bellydance and started to feel empowered by my femininity.  i started wearing flowers in my hair.  i tried out burlesque.

even though my marriage sent me to hell and back, it was a powerfully transitional relationship.  and well...even though the sex was vanilla...at least i experienced what making love was like.

and so, a lot of the trauma i experienced in the past began to heal while i was with my ex.

some months after that relationship ended...i started to love my snatch.

really love it.  to the point that it has become the center of my being, in a sense.

so, to hear that i had to have tissue removed...that there was something abnormal with my cervix, and my uterus is displaced...it was traumatic.  disturbing. 

i went in for my biopsy frantically trying to focus on something else.  i had a quiz for one of my classes that evening.  i studied my notes in the waiting room.  when they put me in the exam room, i stripped down, put the cloth over my lap, and studied my notes while i waited for the procedure to start.

the doctor praised me for being so studious.  i was like, man...i am just trying to keep my mind off of the fact that you are about to scrape my fucking pussy out.  i didn't say it out loud.  but internally, i was shaking as i thought it.

she apologized when she put the speculum in.  she apologized when she applied the solution that highlights the areas that are abnormal on the cervix.  and she apologized again when she was about to take the samples, saying, "this is going to feel pretty crampy...i'm sorry."

and yeah.  it felt fucking crampy.  it felt really fucking crampy.

all day it was really fucking crampy.  i shoved a giant pad in my panties and asked for some ibuproferen before i left.  fortunately, they obliged.  i went home and passed out.  i couldn't stay awake for the discomfort.  couldn't move without it hurting more.

i went to school to take my exam and it was like hell walking to my classroom.  a half mile walk.  intense cramping every step.  and my menstrual cramps have always been bad.  this was something else.

i couldn't stop thinking about the fact that there was a scrape inside my pussy.  it still gives me the heebie jeebies.

even worse now.

you may have noticed in an earlier post how one of my directives from the devil is to jerk off every day.

well.

i didn't yesterday due to the pain and the fact that i was bleeding out and just...miserable.

today, i tried.

and failed.

for some reason...morbid curiousity, i suppose...i stuck a finger in my pussy...just to check it out...to see if i could take anything in there.  (i was feeling pretty cock-crazed, honestly.)  and that's when i felt it.

the damage.

the fucking damage.

cue the waterworks.

i hadn't realized until that moment just how fragile and powerful my pussy is.  and just how much i care about it.  what is usually supple, soft, tender, silky, wet and warm is now rough, sandpaper-like, dry, crusty even.

it's a giant fucking scab all over the walls of my womanhood.

FUCK.

as i touched it, i felt like i was weeping not just for my own vagina, but for every traumatized vagina that has ever existed.

i was weeping for the entire matriarchal consciousness since the beginning of time.

i can't really even come up with a way to end this post.  i'm sitting here, several hours later, drinking a tall can of pabst with my windows open trying to figure out what to do with myself.  i feel horrible.  i don't want to be seen in public.  i just want to curl up with a book and try again tomorrow.  it bugs me out to know that the devil is going to come across this post eventually.  i...just...

*covers face*